They say that 3 is a magic number so, naturally, my top pick for 2014 is the ridiculously violent new offering from everybody’s favourite gang of action oldies, The Expendables 3. I know I could have chosen something more noble such as Camp X-Ray but, the unintentional comedy gold kicked out by The Expendables franchise is like crack. With guns. You just can’t say no.
When the torment of a house with no internet forced me to blow the dust of an, as yet unwatched, copy of the The Expendables I was pretty pessimistic about the whole affair. Watching Hollywood’s aging action elite drag themselves out of their La-Z-Boys to stretch their creaky joints back into ass kicking form just didn’t appeal. Then I saw Sylvester Stallone‘s unbelievably rubbery face juddering like a Shar Pei on a trampoline behind a machine gun and I had a sudden change of heart.
The Expendables franchise is an enormous reservoir of, mostly unintentional, testosterone driven comedy. The relentless slideshow of epic violence that makes the franchise undeniably gripping also frequently explodes into kitsch hilarity and that is how The Expendables won my cynical, black heart.
The plot synopsis of The Expendables 3 promises that the latest offering will be the best yet as the excerpt below should demonstrate;
Barney decides that he has to fight old blood with new blood, and brings in a new era of Expendables team members, recruiting individuals who are younger, faster and more tech-savvy. The latest mission becomes a clash of classic old-school style versus high-tech expertise
So, essentially The Expendables 3 is about some old guys who don’t like to mix with all that new fangled technology crap getting some young pups in to help them set up their internet router or something. Beautiful. Personally, I hope the old-school style wins because I want more bomb hurling, double machine gun toting, multiple throat slitting action rammed right down my neck.
My only concern about the new film is the tragic lack of Jean-Claude Van Damme. I was really looking forwards to him getting his epic split on whilst perilously perched on some cruise missiles. Oh well, a girl can dream!
Below are my favourite The Expendables moments to rev your engines.
Stallone’s epic helicopter entrance
Stallone jiggled and wobbled his way to helicopter based glory as he legged it down the pier in The Expendables 1. While i was genuinely worried he might have a cardiac arrest, my brief moment of concern was all but erased by the CGI nightmare that was his leap into the helicopter. 5 out of 5 so-bad-it’s-good points.
And, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I found this treasure of the actual filming. Look at that lacklustre flop onto a crash mat! You go girl!
Jean-Claude Van Damme’s knife kick
Van Damme is like Michael Flatley or something, his magical legs just keep on giving. Not only does he boot a blade straight into this cocky dick’s chest, he also does it with sunglasses for added cool. My hero!
Terry Crews shows us he’s da bomb!
With the immense power of his muscled muscles, Terry Crews lets out his inner old spice smoothness and lobs a bomb at a helicopter without even breaking a sweat.
If all that action has warmed your cockles, The Expendables 3 is hitting cinemas on August the 15th 2014. Who wants to join me? If you supply the popcorn I’ll bring the hip flask.